Tom O’Leary at lifgoalaction hit another one out of the park with his interpretation of time as opportunity. If you take the time to read and really understand what he is saying in this article, it will change the way you view and spend your precious opportunities every day.

Dealing with procrastination seems to be a full time job. Based on the number of insightful articles that get written about this subject, I would guess it is the biggest roadblock to individual performance and success. Nate Just wrote a post over at PickTheBrain sharing five methods that have helped him deal with procrastinating. My personal favorite is the BANJO method of dealing with unpleasant tasks.

We often forget how important little gestures of kindness can be. In our mad dash for success, it is easy to leave others in our wake who are hurt by our lack of sensitivity. Steve Olson shares a very personal story of how he was overlooked while working one snowy Thanksgiving, and challenges us to be the ones who make a difference.

I love to read personal stories, and hear how others have made decisions and improved their lives. Aaron of Today Is That Day has a great story  to share of how he decided to live life on his own terms, and took a risk that most of us would never have taken at the age of sixteen.  The joy of reading these kind of stories is that if Aaron can do it, we can too!

Last but not least, read this poem and remember your armed forces this holiday season. You have the freedoms you have today because of the sacrifices of many individuals and families. Respect for those who have served our country transcends politics and posturing and is about recognizing the contributions of so many who have been willing to lay down their lives to give us better future.

posted on December 14th, 2007 under Blogging Around Town | Leave a Response

If you have ever read this blog’s inaugural post Why Win Your Mind, you know that my early life was filled with abuse, neglect and poverty. I have struggled with depression and a host of other issues because of those early experiences, but in the last few years, my life has radically changed. One of the reasons I have been able to change is because of the supportive family that has sprung up around me. My wife and children, of course, but another family as well.

As I was beginning high school, my biological mother got married (to my half brother’s grandfather no less), and they decided they didn’t really want me in their home. Since my biological mother would no longer receive a welfare check for having me, there was really no reason for them to keep me around. By the end of my freshman year, I was kicked out of the house and found myself on the street. I spent the summer with a good friend, but they were unable to house me past the end of summer. So, off I went into the foster care system.

Life as a ward of the state is a challenge. You feel rootless, and homeless, and you only have a place to live at the whim of the people who volunteer to be foster parents. If they decide that they don’t want you to live with them any longer, it is out and on to another temporary place. I think the most difficult part is that you are without a real family.

My first foster home was an absolute nightmare. I was placed with the single mother of a thirteen year old gang-banger. She was a practicing Wiccan, and was very hostile to the Christian beliefs I held at that time. Her son and his friends would attempt to beat the snot out of me on a regular basis, and I was threatened with juvenile detention by his mother when I defended myself.

I descended into serious depression, and was falling behind in my schoolwork. I felt like I really wasn’t going to survive much longer if I didn’t find a way out. I considered running away and living on the streets again, but that idea didn’t fit well with the dreams I had for my life. I decided to approach the youth pastor of the church I was attending, and see if he knew of any foster families within the church who would be willing to take me in. He didn’t know of any families off hand, but he said he would make an announcement in church and see if anyone would come forward.

Here Comes The Miracle

I didn’t know it at the time, but a wonderful couple in the church had been talking and praying about becoming foster parents. They had no children of their own, and wanted to share the blessings of their life with kids in difficult circumstances. After the Sunday service, they approached the youth pastor, and asked for more information, and wanted to meet me. The social worker who was in charge of my case scheduled a meeting and drove me out to their home.

I was so nervous about meeting them. I was desperate for a new, more stable home, but I didn’t want to appear too needy. As we talked for about an hour, I knew this was the place I belonged. I couldn’t tell you why, it was just an intuitive sense that everything was going to be alright. As the meeting came to a close, they said they wanted to talk it over a little bit, and they would make a decision within a couple of days. They must have had the discussion pretty quickly because they came running out of the house as we were pulling out of the driveway and said that they wanted to take me.

I was in absolute shock. They made up their mind that quickly to take me in! I was beyond excited about having a new home. These people were different, and I knew it. I knew I would have a safe, secure place to live until I graduated high school.

Making it through high school was good enough for me. I didn’t expect anything from this new couple beyond that. But miracles don’t work that way. Miracles go beyond what we can ask or imagine to meet our deepest needs. And what I really needed was a family.

I remember moving in to their home on February 9th, carrying all of my worldly possessions in two garbage bags and a backpack. I remember the small, quaintly decorated room with bicycle wallpaper that I had all to myself. I remember my first time on an airplane on vacation with them, and meeting the rest of their family at holidays. I remember a million little details, but most of all, I remember February 9th. On February 9th, 2000, the same date I originally moved in with them, we all went to the courthouse and finalized a process that was years in the making. Mine was one of a handful of adult adoptions that occurs in the state each year. My mom and dad adopted me, and officially made me a part of their family. I had been calling them mom and dad for years, but there was something special about making it official.

My personal miracle is that I received a real family. I have a mom and dad and aunts and uncles and grandparents, and cousins all over the place. I get to celebrate two birthdays each year, my actual birthday, and my adoption day. I get to tell this incredible story so that others can see what wonder there is in the universe. In spite of all the difficulties I’ve experienced, I can’t deny that I’ve had some wonderful blessings as well.

What miracles have you experienced in your life? If you have a blog, I encourage you to write about your miracles so that others can share in the excitement and hope your story brings. If you don’t have a blog, post something in the comments section of this article. Whatever you do, don’t keep your miracle quiet.

posted on December 12th, 2007 under About Quint | Leave a Response

The general tendency of things throughout the world is to render mediocrity the ascendant power among mankind.
-John Stuart Mill

I never planned on living a mediocre life. Nobody really does. Like all mediocre pursuits, it just kind of happened. Most of us leave high school and college with dreams and visions of future possibilities that set our hearts pounding and minds racing with passion. Somehow, after a few years of “real life”, that passion is gone. That drive for excellence succumbs to the drive to survive. We end up taking on roles that other people define because we lose sight of that fire inside that used to guide us. We become mortgage paying, child raising, bottom line focused machines instead of driven, passionate people.

I’m OK - You’re OK

One of the major reasons we give in to mediocrity is because everything is OK. Not stellar, not excellent, not fulfilling our dreams, but just OK. When life is OK, why should we rock the boat? We are paying the bills, going out to eat occasionally, and not really suffering that much. Sure we are living paycheck to paycheck, but the paychecks keep coming. Our job is a dead end, and we certainly feel that death at the end of each day, but it is a steady job. Our marriage is lukewarm, and that spark isn’t quite there like it used to be, but its alright - we still get along OK. We should be praying for adversity and troubles to come and destroy our OK life, if that is what it takes to move us out of mediocrity.

I think we should strip the word OK from our vocabulary. What does it mean anyway? Where did it come from? OK means mostly dead, tepid, washed up, dried out and ready to give up. None of us should be satisfied with OK.

How Did We Get Here?

Mediocrity is the result of not making conscious choices, but just going with the flow. We should have been making the hard decisions, and walking the difficult road of our individuality, but somehow, we never got around to it. At some point, we wake up and realize that this isn’t the dream we had for our lives. When we wake up, we are faced with either swallowing the blue pill and going back to sleep and just being OK, or taking the red pill and continuing on to face real, challenging, difficult life.

Where To Now?

Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms - to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
-Viktor Frankl

I can’t answer the question for anyone else but myself. I have been a mediocre person, and lived a mediocre life. I am ashamed of this fact, but it is all past now. It can’t be changed. But I can change the present moment. I can build a NOW that is full of excellence and passion. I can choose to be a person of excellence TODAY. Choice is the last of the human freedoms. Regardless of circumstance, you and I can make choices that will lead to the life we always dreamed of.

Our choices may be constrained because of past actions. If we have too much debt, we have a responsibility to pay it off and may not have the financial freedom to do everything we would like immediately. If there are broken relationships, we may have to mend them to start building the life we desire. If we have committed a crime, we may be limited by incarceration or probation. Accept the constraints and limitations as part of where you are today, not as excuses to stay in mediocrity. Every passionate, excellent choice you make opens doors and expands the circle of the power and authority you have in your life. If you don’t make that decision, mediocrity is the only outcome.

None of us is born mediocre. Mediocrity is thrust upon us by circumstances and choices that slowly but inevitably lead us toward a mediocre life. We must reclaim our inheritance of excellence if we are going to live lives of passionate meaning. We weren’t put on this earth to be mediocre, but as always, the choice is ours.

posted on December 10th, 2007 under motivation, transformation, Freedom | 2 Comments

Have you ever just hit the Stumble button in the StumbleUpon toolbar just to see what will pop up? I do that once in a while, and I frequently find little gems that I would not have found any other way. Like this poem by Craig Harper, a motivational speaker and exercise scientist. As you read it, think about whether you are the dog or the owner.

Words mean things. We can use language to empower ourselves and build success, or we can put ourselves down and limit our success. Edit Yeung shares seven phrases that successful people never speak, because these phrases prime the mind for failure.

True love and compassion are selfless expressions. If we are honest, though, how often is our “compassion” more about our ego than about serving the other person? Albert Foong, the UrbanMonk, takes a candid look at our true motivations for acting compassionate. Please think about what he is saying here the next time you are tempted to give well meaning, but ultimately worthless words of advice to someone who is suffering. As Albert said so eloquently “This will sound harsh – but until we move out of our own sorrow, perhaps it is better to keep quiet.”

Stephen Miracle at Altnoise.net also share some valuable insight on another time it may be best to be quiet. If you go into any situation assuming that you are the expert, you will miss opportunities to learn. Sometimes closing your mouth, opening your ears, and letting other people share from their wisdom will teach you something as well.

What do you think of when you envision pursuing your life’s passion? Do you think that “once you find your passion it’s all about birds chirping and bunny rabbits frolicking”, as Rebecca at modite.com put it? Read Rebecca’s story, and learn that pursuing your passion is a dirty, messsy, terrifying, painful, wonderful, rocking experience.

posted on November 30th, 2007 under Uncategorized | 3 Comments

I love to wake up in the morning and read the latest business news, check the markets, see if oil has breached the $100 a barrel point, and generally see what is going on in the world. I am not a professional economist, just a rank amateur with a healthy interest in how our capitalist system works. So I have to ask, is all the dark prognostication in the media fueling our downward economic trend?

In the world of personal development, we talk about creating our reality by the thoughts and words we choose daily. Does this same principle spill over into economics, where a few well meaning stock market bears point out all of the problems and get people fretting over the negatives, while completely ignoring the positives? I worry that by focusing so much attention on the economy, and the things that aren’t so perfect about it right now, we are building a self fulfilling prophecy that will inevitably lead to more economic volatility and recession.

A couple of recent articles from the blogosphere triggered these thoughts:

1. Are We In a Small Business Recession over at Duct Tape Marketing is a recent podcast that predicts trouble ahead for small businesses, and  provides some strategies for staying ahead of the curve.
2. Tara over at Better For Business has written a couple of articles recently about the negative business environment as she sees it.

I understand that we can’t bury our heads in the sand and ignore the market realities. Our economy does appear to have a touch of a cold right now, but will it get better by constantly talking about how bad the cold is and how long it is going to last? Or is there a different way to think and talk about the economy that can bring hope and optimism instead of fueling fear?

I am really asking a question here more than stating an opinion. Maybe the way we are dealing with the economy right now is the best way we can. Maybe the pessimism and fear is really the best thing for our ailing markets in some perverse way I don’t understand. What do you think? Are you a little scared by the current market uncertainties? Do you fear a recession? Share your thoughts below.

posted on November 27th, 2007 under fear, thought | Leave a Response

When I travel through airports, go to the doctor’s office, or pick up groceries on my way home from work, I see people waiting. Not just sitting or standing peacefully waiting, but stretched like a rubber band waiting. Brows furrowed, eyes forward, a slight scowl of impatience walling them off from the world. I don’t understand this aversion to waiting, this shifting, stomping, twitching stance that inevitably arises when people are forced to slow down and wait their turn.

We are a people addicted to action. Stop lights, which really should be called go lights, are viewed as obstacles to action. Waiting an extra few minutes for the doctor to finish up with her previous patient is treated as a severe inconvenience, instead of an opportunity to be still. Stillness is anathema to our modern lifestyle. Stillness is death, failure and decay. Only action brings life, light and salvation. Action is growth and moving toward success. If you aren’t moving forward, you are moving backward. I am sure you can come up with a few cheesy action cliches of your own. We all carry them in our back pocket, waiting to pull them out so we can motivate ourselves to action.

I used to be that impatient, scowling man who could barely stand in line anywhere. I would get upset at Starbucks waiting for my mocha, I would feel my blood pressure rise seeing all of the full registers at the grocery store. I’m not sure when it happened, but at some point, I got sick and tired of being so angry all of the time. I didn’t like that slight ache in my jaw and the back of my neck that I would feel after waiting in line. I didn’t like the person I became when the traffic was heavy, and I couldn’t get through as quickly as I wanted. I realized that I needed to make a serious change in the way I handled delays and waiting if I was going to become the kind of person I really wanted to be.

Making this kind of change requires conscious action. It is important that you plan ahead of time to be ready when those stress inducing situations arise. How have I handled my aversion to waiting?

1. Take a deep breath. Really, just stop and take a deep breath. Stop thinking, don’t take any action, just two or three breaths, while you relax your jaw, neck, shoulders and back. You will be amazed how much less anxious you will feel about the situation once you let go of the physical tension. You are letting go of that fight or flight response that starts to take over when you feel stressed and angry, and giving your rational mind space to make better decisions.
2. Stop the stories. It’s incredible the stories we tell ourselves when we are stressed out over having to wait. “This always happens to me, things never go right.” “The universe is out to get me and make sure nothing goes smoothly.” “These idiots on the road are just trying to piss me off, I know it.” If you really want to learn to wait with patience and peace, you are going to have to stop telling yourself these outrageous tales. Replace them with new stories that reflect reality, not some over exaggerated sense of self-importance.
3. Give yourself extra time. If you find that you are angry about waiting and delays because you are frequently running late, stop cutting it so close. It is like the man who goes to the doctor and says “Doc, it hurts every time I poke myself in the eye”, and the doctor says “Well, quit poking yourself in the eye.” This is one area that you have complete control over. Once you accept that responsibility, it will be easier to stop trying to blame everybody else for making you late.
4. Bring a book. I almost never leave my home or office without something to read. If I show up early for an appointment, I can whip out my book and take some time while I am waiting. If my appointment is delayed, I can do something valuable with that extra time. Audio books are a wonderful alternative for the road, and will give you something else to focus on besides the maddening traffic.
5. Sit quietly. It was really difficult for me to learn how to just sit quietly and relax. Sometimes I meditate, but mostly I just sit quietly and observe people and places. In this crazy, on the go life, we rarely take time to be quiet. Use waiting time to practice this skill, and you will find the quiet inside of you expands and makes it easier to deal with the waiting that you will face every day.

If we are totally honest, much of our aversion to waiting comes from a sense that we are too important to wait. We are too important to be stuck in traffic, or too busy to have to wait for the doctor. If we can let go of that feeling of self-importance, and learn new ways of being, we can turn waiting into a time of personal growth and increased compassion for ourselves and others.

posted on November 26th, 2007 under thought, transformation | 3 Comments

A water main broke on our street yesterday, and that meant an entire day without running water. No flushing toilets, no drinking water, no dishwashing, nothing that required water. It stayed off until about 10:30 last night when we heard the blessed sound of water rushing back into the pipes. We had a similar experience a couple of years back when a tornado struck very close to our house taking out the electricity and damaging the water service. That time we were without power and water for three whole days.

These experiences make me think about all of the wonderful infrastructure I take for granted each day. I turn the tap, I have fresh, clean running water. I flip a switch, and I have electricity to power lights, TV, refrigerator, and computers. I drive down a relatively well maintained highway using gasoline that was pumped in Canada or South America, delivered to a refinery on the Gulf Coast or somewhere in the Midwest, and finally ends up at my neighborhood gas station. Most days I am blissfully ignorant of all of the people, planning and hard work that goes into providing the comforts that underlie my lifestyle. Because other people worry about those issues, I am free to develop software, write this blog, and read to my heart’s content. Other people using their talents and abilities, allow me to use my talents and abilities, and we all make a unique contribution to society.

I am grateful for the people who came out to our neighborhood yesterday, a couple of days after a holiday, to work in the cold and wind and repair our water main. I am thankful for the flagman directing traffic around a road repair. I am thankful for the truck drivers who deliver food, fuel, and all kinds of material goods to the stores I shop at. We inhabit a complex interdependent society requires the hard work and commitment of thousands of other people every minute of every day. Stop for a moment and consider how your current lifestyle is built on top of innumerable systems and people, and think about how different your life would be if those systems and those people suddenly stopped working. None of us is an island, and we wouldn’t have the wonderful world we have today if we tried to live that way.

posted on November 25th, 2007 under Uncategorized | Leave a Response

I am re-reading the memoirs of Howard Schultz, CEO of Starbucks. Early on in his story, he shares that he was motivated by fear. He feared ending up like his father, he feared failing, and he feared missing out on life. Obviously, Howard Schultz went on to become a success, and found other motivations in his life. A passion for his product, a desire to treat people ethically, and a vision to share his love of genuine Italian espresso all drove him to build Starbucks into the iconic coffee house of America, and the world.

Fear is not necessarily bad as a motivator, in the beginning. Fear of failure can lead to hard work as well as it can lead to apathy. Fear of disease can motivate people to exercise and improve their diet. In these examples, fear leads you forward to take the right actions, even if it isn’t for the best reasons. In the fight or flight response to fear, you can find a rush of adrenaline that energizes you to take those initial steps. In the midst of fear, your will often generate dozens of good ideas for dealing with the situation you fear, and provide a foundation for the work that needs to be done.

While fear can be a decent motivator to get you off the launchpad and into the realm of action, it leads to two dark paths that will sabotage your success and leave you worse off than when you started.

1. Fear Leads to Obsession
   When you depend on fear as motivation over the long haul, you tend to become obsessed with the object of your fear. If it is disease, you may over-exercise to the detriment of our physical well being and social life. If it is fear of financial ruin, you may become a workaholic, while neglecting every other area of your life. Every conversation you have ends up focused on the subject of your fear, because your mind is gnawing on that subject day in and day out. Your whole life becomes centered on the fear, because you depend on it to keep you moving. If you let go of the fear, you let go of the thing that is driving you forward, which feeds the anxiety that your greatest fear will become reality.
2. Fear Only Motivates While There Is Something To Fear
   If you are counting on fear to motivate you on a lifelong pursuit of passion, you are setting yourself up for failure. I have a friend who has a small consulting and computer repair business. We were talking about how businesses operate, and he told me that most of the small businesses he knows will push to get business until their needs are met for a season, then pull back until they need to generate more income. Depending on fear to keep you moving will put you in the same surge and rest pattern. You will get all fired up while the big bad wolf is chasing you, but when the wolf disappears, you will sit down and relax until he shows up again. You will not generate sustainable positive growth with this habit, and in the long run you will end up disheartened because you will not get the results you expect. Ultimately, depending on fear as a motivator only leads to mediocrity at best, and outright failure at worst.

Experience and wisdom teach that heartfelt passion is the only positive motivator that will energize you on the long road of life. Trying to build your dreams on the foundation of fear is like using drugs and alcohol to self medicate. It may give you short term results, but long term there is a price to pay. There is no shortcut to happiness and success. You have to learn how to move past the fear and find that part of you that is excited about life and motivated by a larger vision for your future. Like Howard Schultz, you need to dream a big, huge, enormous, impossible dream, and then be crazy enough to pursue it at all costs.

posted on November 21st, 2007 under Uncategorized | Leave a Response

In the northern hemisphere, winter is settling in. Over the past couple of months, daylight has dwindled, and many of us leave for work and return home in darkness. With the reduced sunlight, it is common for many of us to suffer from the winter blues, often referred to as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Some experts believe that the reduced sunlight interferes with messages to the hypothalmus which regulates many hormones within the brain. Others have suggested that it is a vestigial response to the changing of the seasons, related to the hibernation impulse in many mammals. Regardless of its origin, it is at the least a frustration, and at worst debilitating. Luckily, we have a good understanding of seasonal affective disorder, and know how to make it through this challenging time of year

Light Therapy

Lack of sunlight is believed to be at the heart of SAD. Sunlight regulates our daily rhythms, and helps synthesize necessary vitamins. For quite a while now, light lamps have been available to help replace the lost hours of sunlight during the winter months. It has been determined that light measuring 2500 lux is necessary to treat SAD. By comparison, sunlight is 32,000 lux minimum, with a max of 100,000 lux. Our indoor home and office lighting measures in at 50-400 lux, which explains why we feel so down in the winter. Commercial light therapy lamps are available that generate 5-10,000 lux, and are reasonably priced. Spending one to two hours a day under this kind of lighting will brighten your mood considerably.

Exercise

Regular exercise is recommended for those suffering from depression, so it only stands to reason that SAD sufferers would benefit as well. Exercise has been shown to be a better treatment for depression than medications, with a lower relapse rate. Physical activity boosts endorphins, one of the most powerful feel good hormones in our bodies, which results in a boost in mood. If you don’t like to exercise outdoors in the darkness of winter, consider joining a health club for the season, or even try an exercise video. It isn’t about getting it perfect, but just getting moving.

Maintain a Healthy Diet

Take a look at your plate. Is it covered in beige? Just like depression, SAD can lead to a craving for carbs. Since you are feeling down, you are just trying to give your body what it wants, but it is the worst diet for dealing with SAD. A healthy, balanced diet is important all year, but it can become especially important during the winter months if you are feeling down. Weight gain because of the consumption of comfort food is epidemic. Then, when we reach the spring, we look at ourselves and feel bad about the weight. Save your future self the disappointment, and focus on keeping a healthy diet in spite of your cravings.

Take Supplements

Taking cod liver oil has been shown to strengthen the immune system and protect against depression. It does this by boosting the level of vitamin D in your body. In the summer months, sunlight helps your body produce this important nutrient. Your body has about a 25 day supply of vitamin D, so once you get into the late fall and early winter, it has been significantly depleted. If you are concerned about the “fish burps”, that fishy taste and smell that can occur after taking cod liver oil, make sure to use enteric coated capsules. Drinking water, and taking them with food can also help.

Talk About It

Cognitive behavioral therapy as well as group therapy are helpful in coping with SAD. The therapy isn’t about dealing with any underlying psychological issues, but more about getting support in dealing with SAD itself. It isn’t enjoyable to feel down for three to four months of the year, and sometimes just knowing you are not alone can be helpful.

Unless you are able to move some place sunny for three months out of the year, it pays to try some of these methods of dealing with the winter blues. You don’t have to suffer in silence, and there isn’t anything wrong with the way you feel. It is a natural response to the reduced sunlight and often reduced activity that come with the winter season. Don’t sit around and hope to feel better, take action and know that you can feel better.

posted on November 19th, 2007 under Uncategorized | 2 Comments

For many years this was one of my most difficult personal issues. As I struggled with mental illness, it was easy for me to take comments from other people out of context. I would write a whole story around how the other person was purposely trying to hurt me, or make me look bad. I got really good at feeling victimized all the time, but I can’t say I enjoyed feeling that way. As I began to recover from depression and had time and space to reflect, I began to think that the problem of having a “thin skin” was a symptom of the illness. But looking at the world around me, and paying more attention to how other people acted and spoke, I realized that this is really an epidemic. So many people seem to be looking to get offended, and in the fast paced, depersonalized world that we live in, it is easy to build those stories and convince ourselves they are true.

I still find myself tempted to take things personally at times. It is a hard habit to overcome, and has caused friction in many of my most important relationships. I finally had to start taking some action to consciously change these thought patterns. I sincerely hope some of these strategies are helpful for you.

1. Everyone Is Thinking of Themselves
   As you walk around during your day, what are you thinking about? The bills that have to be paid, that 10 a.m. meeting, and the fight you had with your significant other before leaving the house. Nowhere on that list is any thought or plan to hurt someone, or to be intentionally rude. Everybody you interact with in a given day is just like you. They are focused on their own busy-ness, problems and stress. If they are being rude or snippy, it is most likely a problem with them, not a problem with you, and not something to be taken as a personal attack.
2. It Is Not Your Responsibility
   As part of our social training, we learn that if someone is mad at us, we must have done something wrong. Unfortunately, the world has its share of people who are chronically angry and unhappy. They are looking to be provoked, and the smallest action can set them off. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you are not responsible for their feelings. You can only control your reaction to that person, so choose to let their negative energy slide right past you and don’t carry any of it with you.
3. Assume Nothing
   When I’m in a situation that is getting heated, and I’m not sure what the underlying problem really is, I ask questions. Assuming that I understand what is going on inside another person’s head has led to more conflict than I care to admit. We all know what happens when we Ass-U-Me, right? Now, instead of making assumptions about the other person’s motives, I just ask. Questions like “Did you mean…”, or “What do you mean by…”, asked curiously, and not defensively, encourage the other person to open up and share more of their thinking with me. I learn more about the other person’s perspective, and almost always discover that I misinterpreted their motives. When I keep my mouth shut, and let the fictional tale spin out of control in my head, I react with hurt and anger, and usually end up making the situation worse.
4. Look for the Wound
   When I am feeling particularly sensitive, I have found that it is often because there is a wound that is being touched. We all carry some emotional pain from our past experiences, and this pain plays a significant part in how we perceive ourselves and the world. When I feel like I am at a point of taking things too personally, I will take some quiet time to examine those feelings and trace them back to their source. By taking the time and embracing these feelings, I am able to take responsibility for how I react, and make lasting change in my own life.
5. Develop a Thicker Skin
   SW3 is a philosophy that is beginning to serve me well as I grow and take on new challenges. It stands for Some Will, Some Won’t, So What. When none of the above methods is working for me, and it is apparent that the situation is as negative as I feared, I can just put that other person in the Some Won’t column and move on. It’s like Bill Murray says in “What About Bob?” - “I treat relationships like phone conversations. Sometimes I there’s a bad connection with the person on the other end, so I just hang up and try again later” (quoted from memory). Even if somebody dislikes me and is intentionally trying to hurt me, I don’t have to own their opinion. If there is something valuable buried under all the bad vibes, I can take it and walk away or I can just plain walk away.

Feeling perpetually offended builds walls between us and the world. Continually taking things personally keeps us from connecting in meaningful relationships, and leaves us feeling emotionally exhausted. Taking responsibility for these emotions, and learning that the world is not out to get us is the only way to escape the cycle.

posted on November 15th, 2007 under Uncategorized | 2 Comments